Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I haven't blogged in awhile because they just put out a new policy at work that we can't update our blogs at work. We can't do anything blog-related, like leave comments or view them. But I'm bucking the system right now just to let y'all know I'm doing ok. Just ok. I've always considered myself an honest person, especially where feelings are concerned. People say they want honesty, but oftentimes, they don't. They just want to hear that everything is awesome. Well, for me, it's not. It's very difficult to be off my anti-depressants. I have more sad days than glad. I am out of control of my body and my emotions. I have many, many fears about having a baby and sustaining him/her financially. Yes, I wanted this. I can be happy that I'm expecting, and yet still be worried. I try to "give my burdens to the Lord" but it's not always that easy. It's just a hard time right now. Not bad - just hard. Have you been there before? I imagine you have because I think it's part of life, these ups and downs. Through it all, God is God and He will not leave me. That is the basis for my getting up everyday.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I'm kinda tired of talking about myself! What's goin' on with all you guys?? Tell me a story!

Monday, August 4, 2008


I had to share this blog entry from my mom's blog Hezzy's Hangout. I'm so touched and humbled by her words.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

34 Years Ago
34 yrs ago my life changed forever. My daughter was born & God smiled at me. He knew eventually she would lead me back to Him. He had a plan. I followed it. I'm saved. I started back to him almost immediately by His miracle gift to me ever so thankful. He knew I wouldn't be attending church or teaching her about His Word & Way... He knew the hypocrisy I had witnessed all my life. He knew the feelings of inadequacy. He knew of my pain .....and He knew she would lead me back to Him. He never gave up on me. He used her to bring me back to Him. So He waited. She found Him w/o my help. He knew she would. He called to her. She listened & found Him. He saved her. She was ready. She made me cry- not sad tears- just the opposite. I am forever grateful she found her Heavenly Father whether it was on her own, doesn't matter. She found Him & that's all that matters. He became very important in her life. And I followed by her example. He lead me to Him through her. She is partly responsible for my salvation. My life was changed forever on the day she was born. It would lead to my coming back to the Lord. It would lead back to my salvation. A mother's Love. A Father's gift from above. He never gives up on us & He uses other people in our lives for His plan for us. I cry happy tears for on the day she was born, I was reborn onto the path back to Our Heavenly Father. She's been my angel here on earth. Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you, God! xoxo
Posted by hezzzy at 10:40 AM


Yes, my birthday was yesterday. I'm now officially 34! (I've been saying I'm 34 for like the last 6 months, not on purpose - just not thinking it through) Friday night, I hung out with TJ and Kell at TJ's house. It was very relaxing and wonderful to be with friends. Saturday was Carlita's funeral. It felt like her service had pieces of her personality, but the sermon part was confusing to me. It just didn't "feel" like her. Plus, I'm not ready to put her death in a nice box with a bow on it and put it on the shelf. I'm still working through it so I'm not ready to say "so-and-so is closer to the Lord now so that must have been why she died and therefore it ok." I don't know if I'll ever agree with that.

Back to birthday fun. Please.

Saturday night, Lisa & Kell took TJ and I out for dinner. It was so fun! I haven't done that in a long time! We went to Claim Jumper. None of us had ever been there. I recommend the mud pie, of course! We talked politics, sex, religion, motherhood. Very refreshing.

Yesterday, we went to church and had a really insightful, relaxing worship time. Michael, Andrew, and Daniel Ryan are a brood of brothers who are so musically talented, it's sick! AND they have a sensitivity to the Lord's leading that I don't often see. There was a moment during worship where I just told God, "Worrying about ANYTHING (baby, housing, etc) does me NO good. I'm handing this over to you." Now, that phrase has sometimes troubled me because it sounds so ambiguous. How does one "hand worries over?" However, yesterday, I did feel a weight lifted when I made the decision, so I have to think that at least for yesterday, I did actually trade burdens with the Lord. His is light. Who wouldn't prefer that??

After church, Greg and I just hung out all day. Jeff, Kelly, and the boys came over for a bit. Joelfre and Wilman visited in the evening. It was simple. And lovely.

Friday, August 1, 2008


I had a consultation with the doctor yesterday regarding my fitful sleep. When you go to the doctor, you expect him/her to have the solution, or even several solutions. Such was not the case yesterday. He basically said that it's too early in the pregnancy to take any drugs, and I don't want to anyway. At one point HE leaned HIS head on MY shoulder and said, "I'm sorry - I feel so helpless." Argh! So last night, I tried a different approach. I woke up at the following times & durations:
10:00 - 5 min
11:00 - 5 min
11:30 - 5 min
2:00 - 5 min
2:30 - 1 hour (Conan's on at 3! Who knew??)
5:30 - 5 min

At first, I thought, "Great. Here we go. Yet again, I'm going to be up all night." But then I decided to think of it as a game or something that was happening to someone else or something that just my baby and I were experiencing together - like a secret or something. I started to look at it as part of the process of her (or him) becoming a whole person and doing so in a way that she will be healthy and strong. It actually helped.

One good thing my doctor did remind me of is that estrogen is an extreme "personality." Once the estrogen crashes, it's Cry Cry City (like Bear Bear City for you SNL fans). He cited a study that was done on MALE med students. They were given estrogen steadily for 6 weeks and then they were cut off suddenly. The crash caused ALL of them to go into depression and 2.5% of them were on suicide watch! Oh my word! So the weepiness will have to be accepted too. It doesn't mean I don't want the baby or that I'm not grateful; it just means that I'm going to cry a lot for awhile, and then later, I won't cry as often. I'm still working on accepting the tears. They are disturbing.