So the internal software we use at work is "down" (who knows what that really means - gremlins, some IT person hitting switches 'cuz they're bored?) so I'm taking a risk and (dunn dunn dunn......) BLOGGING AT WORK! Shhhhh!
It's been almost a month since my last entry. Wow. I was so OCD about updating and then this happened. Let's see - what's going on? Greg and I had an appt last week and we heard the baby's heart beat. We heard it back at 6 weeks, which was amazing in and of itself, but there's a huge difference between 6 weeks and 14 weeks! The heartbeat was strong and fast, as it should be at that age. The doctor had a hard time finding it because the baby was turning flips! Greg said, "Well, she'll have your hyperness and MY good looks and wit!" He's been so awesome through this whole thing. He insists on coming to all my appointments, getting me things I "need" (the other night, it was powdered donuts & chocolate milk at 10:00!), and basically putting up with my mood swings. I think that's a full time job in and of itself.
Sept 6 was my friend Amy's CD release party. We all get dressed up & went to a coffee shop in NE Portland that she had tirelessly transformed into an orange ballroom! There was even a candy table that had only orange candies on it. You'll have to go to my Facebook page and look at the pictures. Just either google Charlotte Kammer or go to Facebook and search by my name. Anyway, it was a realization of her dream, and to an extent, a realization of MY dream. I'm so grateful she gave me the opportunity to join her. And now, we are both singing at a Christian music festival called "Spirit on the Mountain" this coming weekend in Welches, Oregon. We sing Saturday morning from 11 - noon. Come join us! www.spiritonthemountain.org.
What else? Oh. Something kind of sobering. Greg was involved in an accident this weekend. He is ok, as is the other driver. But the other driver apparently just stopped abruptly on the freeway and Greg rear-ended her car. It appears to me that our car is totaled, but Greg says he can fix it. If anyone can, he can. He has an amazing talent with cars. The whole thing has left me a pile of raw nerves. I just can't handle much these days so I've been just kind of shut down for the last couple of days. I did get 12 hours of sleep last night, so I think that will help my perspective.
Ok, folks. They're telling us our software is back "up" so I better call this quits for now. Take care!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
YES, I'M ALIVE
I haven't blogged in awhile because they just put out a new policy at work that we can't update our blogs at work. We can't do anything blog-related, like leave comments or view them. But I'm bucking the system right now just to let y'all know I'm doing ok. Just ok. I've always considered myself an honest person, especially where feelings are concerned. People say they want honesty, but oftentimes, they don't. They just want to hear that everything is awesome. Well, for me, it's not. It's very difficult to be off my anti-depressants. I have more sad days than glad. I am out of control of my body and my emotions. I have many, many fears about having a baby and sustaining him/her financially. Yes, I wanted this. I can be happy that I'm expecting, and yet still be worried. I try to "give my burdens to the Lord" but it's not always that easy. It's just a hard time right now. Not bad - just hard. Have you been there before? I imagine you have because I think it's part of life, these ups and downs. Through it all, God is God and He will not leave me. That is the basis for my getting up everyday.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'm kinda tired of talking about myself! What's goin' on with all you guys?? Tell me a story!
Monday, August 4, 2008
BLESSINGS FROM MY MOM
I had to share this blog entry from my mom's blog Hezzy's Hangout. I'm so touched and humbled by her words.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
34 Years Ago
34 yrs ago my life changed forever. My daughter was born & God smiled at me. He knew eventually she would lead me back to Him. He had a plan. I followed it. I'm saved. I started back to him almost immediately by His miracle gift to me ever so thankful. He knew I wouldn't be attending church or teaching her about His Word & Way... He knew the hypocrisy I had witnessed all my life. He knew the feelings of inadequacy. He knew of my pain .....and He knew she would lead me back to Him. He never gave up on me. He used her to bring me back to Him. So He waited. She found Him w/o my help. He knew she would. He called to her. She listened & found Him. He saved her. She was ready. She made me cry- not sad tears- just the opposite. I am forever grateful she found her Heavenly Father whether it was on her own, doesn't matter. She found Him & that's all that matters. He became very important in her life. And I followed by her example. He lead me to Him through her. She is partly responsible for my salvation. My life was changed forever on the day she was born. It would lead to my coming back to the Lord. It would lead back to my salvation. A mother's Love. A Father's gift from above. He never gives up on us & He uses other people in our lives for His plan for us. I cry happy tears for on the day she was born, I was reborn onto the path back to Our Heavenly Father. She's been my angel here on earth. Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you, God! xoxo
Posted by hezzzy at 10:40 AM
Sunday, August 3, 2008
34 Years Ago
34 yrs ago my life changed forever. My daughter was born & God smiled at me. He knew eventually she would lead me back to Him. He had a plan. I followed it. I'm saved. I started back to him almost immediately by His miracle gift to me ever so thankful. He knew I wouldn't be attending church or teaching her about His Word & Way... He knew the hypocrisy I had witnessed all my life. He knew the feelings of inadequacy. He knew of my pain .....and He knew she would lead me back to Him. He never gave up on me. He used her to bring me back to Him. So He waited. She found Him w/o my help. He knew she would. He called to her. She listened & found Him. He saved her. She was ready. She made me cry- not sad tears- just the opposite. I am forever grateful she found her Heavenly Father whether it was on her own, doesn't matter. She found Him & that's all that matters. He became very important in her life. And I followed by her example. He lead me to Him through her. She is partly responsible for my salvation. My life was changed forever on the day she was born. It would lead to my coming back to the Lord. It would lead back to my salvation. A mother's Love. A Father's gift from above. He never gives up on us & He uses other people in our lives for His plan for us. I cry happy tears for on the day she was born, I was reborn onto the path back to Our Heavenly Father. She's been my angel here on earth. Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you, God! xoxo
Posted by hezzzy at 10:40 AM
BIRTHDAY FUN
Yes, my birthday was yesterday. I'm now officially 34! (I've been saying I'm 34 for like the last 6 months, not on purpose - just not thinking it through) Friday night, I hung out with TJ and Kell at TJ's house. It was very relaxing and wonderful to be with friends. Saturday was Carlita's funeral. It felt like her service had pieces of her personality, but the sermon part was confusing to me. It just didn't "feel" like her. Plus, I'm not ready to put her death in a nice box with a bow on it and put it on the shelf. I'm still working through it so I'm not ready to say "so-and-so is closer to the Lord now so that must have been why she died and therefore it ok." I don't know if I'll ever agree with that.
Back to birthday fun. Please.
Saturday night, Lisa & Kell took TJ and I out for dinner. It was so fun! I haven't done that in a long time! We went to Claim Jumper. None of us had ever been there. I recommend the mud pie, of course! We talked politics, sex, religion, motherhood. Very refreshing.
Yesterday, we went to church and had a really insightful, relaxing worship time. Michael, Andrew, and Daniel Ryan are a brood of brothers who are so musically talented, it's sick! AND they have a sensitivity to the Lord's leading that I don't often see. There was a moment during worship where I just told God, "Worrying about ANYTHING (baby, housing, etc) does me NO good. I'm handing this over to you." Now, that phrase has sometimes troubled me because it sounds so ambiguous. How does one "hand worries over?" However, yesterday, I did feel a weight lifted when I made the decision, so I have to think that at least for yesterday, I did actually trade burdens with the Lord. His is light. Who wouldn't prefer that??
After church, Greg and I just hung out all day. Jeff, Kelly, and the boys came over for a bit. Joelfre and Wilman visited in the evening. It was simple. And lovely.
Back to birthday fun. Please.
Saturday night, Lisa & Kell took TJ and I out for dinner. It was so fun! I haven't done that in a long time! We went to Claim Jumper. None of us had ever been there. I recommend the mud pie, of course! We talked politics, sex, religion, motherhood. Very refreshing.
Yesterday, we went to church and had a really insightful, relaxing worship time. Michael, Andrew, and Daniel Ryan are a brood of brothers who are so musically talented, it's sick! AND they have a sensitivity to the Lord's leading that I don't often see. There was a moment during worship where I just told God, "Worrying about ANYTHING (baby, housing, etc) does me NO good. I'm handing this over to you." Now, that phrase has sometimes troubled me because it sounds so ambiguous. How does one "hand worries over?" However, yesterday, I did feel a weight lifted when I made the decision, so I have to think that at least for yesterday, I did actually trade burdens with the Lord. His is light. Who wouldn't prefer that??
After church, Greg and I just hung out all day. Jeff, Kelly, and the boys came over for a bit. Joelfre and Wilman visited in the evening. It was simple. And lovely.
Friday, August 1, 2008
CONSULTATION
I had a consultation with the doctor yesterday regarding my fitful sleep. When you go to the doctor, you expect him/her to have the solution, or even several solutions. Such was not the case yesterday. He basically said that it's too early in the pregnancy to take any drugs, and I don't want to anyway. At one point HE leaned HIS head on MY shoulder and said, "I'm sorry - I feel so helpless." Argh! So last night, I tried a different approach. I woke up at the following times & durations:
10:00 - 5 min
11:00 - 5 min
11:30 - 5 min
2:00 - 5 min
2:30 - 1 hour (Conan's on at 3! Who knew??)
5:30 - 5 min
At first, I thought, "Great. Here we go. Yet again, I'm going to be up all night." But then I decided to think of it as a game or something that was happening to someone else or something that just my baby and I were experiencing together - like a secret or something. I started to look at it as part of the process of her (or him) becoming a whole person and doing so in a way that she will be healthy and strong. It actually helped.
One good thing my doctor did remind me of is that estrogen is an extreme "personality." Once the estrogen crashes, it's Cry Cry City (like Bear Bear City for you SNL fans). He cited a study that was done on MALE med students. They were given estrogen steadily for 6 weeks and then they were cut off suddenly. The crash caused ALL of them to go into depression and 2.5% of them were on suicide watch! Oh my word! So the weepiness will have to be accepted too. It doesn't mean I don't want the baby or that I'm not grateful; it just means that I'm going to cry a lot for awhile, and then later, I won't cry as often. I'm still working on accepting the tears. They are disturbing.
10:00 - 5 min
11:00 - 5 min
11:30 - 5 min
2:00 - 5 min
2:30 - 1 hour (Conan's on at 3! Who knew??)
5:30 - 5 min
At first, I thought, "Great. Here we go. Yet again, I'm going to be up all night." But then I decided to think of it as a game or something that was happening to someone else or something that just my baby and I were experiencing together - like a secret or something. I started to look at it as part of the process of her (or him) becoming a whole person and doing so in a way that she will be healthy and strong. It actually helped.
One good thing my doctor did remind me of is that estrogen is an extreme "personality." Once the estrogen crashes, it's Cry Cry City (like Bear Bear City for you SNL fans). He cited a study that was done on MALE med students. They were given estrogen steadily for 6 weeks and then they were cut off suddenly. The crash caused ALL of them to go into depression and 2.5% of them were on suicide watch! Oh my word! So the weepiness will have to be accepted too. It doesn't mean I don't want the baby or that I'm not grateful; it just means that I'm going to cry a lot for awhile, and then later, I won't cry as often. I'm still working on accepting the tears. They are disturbing.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
RAMBLINGS
This week has been a challenge. I have a lot of fears associated with becoming a parent. And it seems like everyone has advice. Sometimes, that's great. Other times, it's like I just want someone to listen, ya know? I have great friends and they all listen, but some people who are not as close to me, and who have good intentions, tire me out and overwhelm me with all of their advice. I knew this would happen, but it's just affecting me right now.
Greg is my rock. When I get nervous about something regarding the baby, he reminds me that God ordained this time to be THEE time for us to be pregnant. Greg reminds me that God will take care of our every need. The biggest worry on my brain right now is where are we going to live? I'm starting to have that nesting feeling that many mothers get, but I don't feel I can nest where we are because we are moving before the baby gets here. At least, that's the plan. I don't know. I just don't feel like anything is settled or calm. There is a lot of transition right now and in the months to come.
I like change. Change is good. And I feel like I'm getting closer to the Lord because I have to rely on Him more right now than perhaps I felt I had to before. I was home from work yesterday and caught Joyce Meyers on TV. I'm not a fan, per se, but I did listen to her sermon. It was all about God's love for us as individuals. She said to look in the mirror and say "God loves you." That sounds kind of "Stuart Smalley" to me, but it did stike a cord. (I didn't actually GO to the mirror, but I did say it to myself.) God loves YOU. God loves ME. So much so that he rejoices over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
We have a friend whose 4-year-old daughter was just diagnosed with Leukemia. She is having to undergo chemo and the whole bit. Why do people hesitate to tell people they're pregnant before the end of the 1st trimester? I mean, bad things can and do happen all the time. Sounds pessimistic, I know. But my point is that the fact that bad things happen reiterates the point to me how much we need to cling to the One who is ultimately in control. I don't know why Carlita died at 39. I don't know why a 4-year-old has Leukemia. I don't know where we're going to live in the coming months. I don't know if I'll be able to stay home with my baby. But I do know the One who knows. And He has to be enough for me.
Greg is my rock. When I get nervous about something regarding the baby, he reminds me that God ordained this time to be THEE time for us to be pregnant. Greg reminds me that God will take care of our every need. The biggest worry on my brain right now is where are we going to live? I'm starting to have that nesting feeling that many mothers get, but I don't feel I can nest where we are because we are moving before the baby gets here. At least, that's the plan. I don't know. I just don't feel like anything is settled or calm. There is a lot of transition right now and in the months to come.
I like change. Change is good. And I feel like I'm getting closer to the Lord because I have to rely on Him more right now than perhaps I felt I had to before. I was home from work yesterday and caught Joyce Meyers on TV. I'm not a fan, per se, but I did listen to her sermon. It was all about God's love for us as individuals. She said to look in the mirror and say "God loves you." That sounds kind of "Stuart Smalley" to me, but it did stike a cord. (I didn't actually GO to the mirror, but I did say it to myself.) God loves YOU. God loves ME. So much so that he rejoices over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
We have a friend whose 4-year-old daughter was just diagnosed with Leukemia. She is having to undergo chemo and the whole bit. Why do people hesitate to tell people they're pregnant before the end of the 1st trimester? I mean, bad things can and do happen all the time. Sounds pessimistic, I know. But my point is that the fact that bad things happen reiterates the point to me how much we need to cling to the One who is ultimately in control. I don't know why Carlita died at 39. I don't know why a 4-year-old has Leukemia. I don't know where we're going to live in the coming months. I don't know if I'll be able to stay home with my baby. But I do know the One who knows. And He has to be enough for me.
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