Tuesday, December 4, 2007


I'm calling this "untitled" because as I think of the last few days' events, I don't know how to sum them up.

Last night, my mom told me that her cousin committed suicide on Sunday. I never met him. My mom wasn't close with him. But ya know, when someone makes the choice to kill themselves, you always ponder the meaning of life, what led someone to do that, what about those left behind, what about my own mortality, etc etc.

Then yet another revelation. Someone I care about deeply told me he's been struggling with addiction issues for about 15 years. First, it was alcohol; then, alcohol and crack. He is in recovery (has been for the last 3 years) and is living with his sponsor so he's in a good place. But it just blew my mind. I knew he had struggled with his sexual identity, but I had no idea about the addictions. Not that I SHOULD have, you know? It's his business. But I was just really overwhelmed about what I was hearing.

After that, I discovered that another loved one, who has my heart and whom I thought I knew really well, has passions and interests that we've never talked about. It made me scared to think that maybe we don't know each other. This person's passions aren't MY passions, but I don't think that's a requirement for love. However, I do worry that there won't be ENOUGH common ground between us to maintain the love we have. Well, the love would be there, but I worry that it would be superficial. Sometimes, I don't know how to have friendships with people whose ideals are different from mine, but I so badly WANT to! Lord, help me have an open mind and heart.

And then there's Christmas. It's usually a really enjoyable time for me, but for some reason this year has been a struggle. I'm alone a lot, which I don't care for, but I feel like I don't have ENOUGH alone time. Doesn't make any sense! I just want to get back to the basics of the reason for the season; Jesus' birth, family, well - that's it, really. I was going to write caroling, celebrations, etc. but really, the TRUE BASICS are Jesus & family. Keeping it simple can seem so easy, but I guess this season, I'm going to have to be very intentional about it.


evil cake lady said...

Carlotta, I don't really know what to say but I wanted to thank you for being so candid about yourself and to acknowledge your struggles right now. I hope your next days bring you some peace of mind and joy!

Anonymous said...

OMG ~ that's quite a write up with new revealations & insights on friendship growth. We never know ALL there is to know about each other & when that friend finally confides in you things like that, it's like your friendship has goes to a another deeper level than before. It's hard to say what to do with that kind of information but it's definately something to think through & process. My heart goes out to you, Charlotte. These are very complex subjects to deal with. And Christmastime is always a bowl of swirling emotions anyway so I'm sorry for you to be going through all this & I know you'll use the Lord's wisdom to get through it. Love you & I'm here for you, too.

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